Red's Head

I’ll be honest, i’ve been missing out on a ton of stuff lately. I mean things like great new music (TYVM Linkin Park and Celldweller, for being the top 2 most listened to artists in my iTunes) and amazing TV shows (You can get it, miss Lois Lane, and hats off to HIMYM cast, NPH RULES, BITCHES) and, not to mention, my daughter. I visited the jewel of my heart recently. Tore me up when i had to leave her. She’s so adorable. I got video’s up on youtube, and after i move, hopefulyl going to be updating her page (as i am vastly overdue).

I’ve been so busy and had my head up my own ass for such a while now, it’s really started to smell (and itch, but more on that, latter) and i figured some air was necessary. I also feel i have neglected somethings (looks at the Hordereview.com hot link in IE and yearns for a good muse >.> Sorry for lacking a post last week, Bless!) and soem people (Sorry, Mark, Anne, Cory, and Evan for lack of phone calls and or callbacks). I just, i guess i feel so relieved right now, i finally caught a break. At least, i feel it as a break. Granted it raped me for almost every last dollar in my bank account, but hey. I’m still here (and bank acocunt is still in the postive number bracket) so, i’ll take stupidity over catastophe right about nao.

I look at this blog (not sure if it’s this EXACT one, or if i still got a couple of more days) But esentially, i have been posting my blog on my (i say “mine, and really it’s Mike’s, but he loves me, so ) own blog here for pretty much exactly one year (i think first post was march 12th, but meh, you’ll give me 4 days, i’m sure). And i love it. I rant, i rave, i post song lyrics, and i write insanely random blogs. Sometimes funny, sometimes uber serious. I enjoy this, really, i do. And i’ve sat here several times, starring at a blank “Add a New Post” inside the Wordpress dashboard, and i swear, i wanted to try and write everything racing through my mind out, but it’s been so chaotic, i have been unable to fathom it. I cam home tonight, started playing WoW, and i nodded off. Yes, i say nodded, almost cracked my head on a cat in the process. She didn’t do anything to deserve it, then i kicked her latter in my sleep (sorry, missy). Ugh, to say the least, my 4 hour nap made me feel awesome! and now also super wired, and given the events of today and the level of obsurdity that i am now done dealing with, i feel so much better.

Some of you may know, most probably not, i started having some really bad cooling issues with my car. It had seemed that everything that i had done to it and tried so far only made my problem easier, never really fixing it. And today, after much personal debating (and my bank account getting refilled, Thanks NC State Tax Return ) I finally took my Jetta (oh, my baby jetta, i LOVE my car) into the Bob King VW Dealership over in town. The guys were all floored by how much, and with the level of detail, i told them about my car and what i had had done to it. The guy look at me and saw the level of passion i have for my car (see, toldja that i love that thing) and they got me up on a lift in no time and figure it out for me. Now, i said earlier that i’ll take stupidity over Catastrophe. My over heating issue was due to the fact that the person who worked on my water pump and thermostat installed the thermostat BACKWARDS. Which, i’ll take that over the fact that my head could have been cracked or i needed a head gasket. while my bank account is now insanely low, ($5, : / ) i’ll take it and run with it. and now my Jetta could make it to VA on it’s own, WEWT!

Tuesday (i almost said today, durka durka) marked two weeks to the day that my townhouse will be ready. Yup, March 23rd i move in. I gotta call Mike and make sure he’s keeping his end of the bargain. I will be furious if he doesn’t. I’m already balls deep and questioning which bill aren’t gonna get paid (joy) so that i can do this. I’ve already been told that i am getting promoted ( as apparently i am seen more of as a need than sheerly a desire) And might not be goign to the store i was originally told and projected for (not complaining, means WAY more hours, for reals, and better pay ) so, again, i am running with it.

“I’m pushing through, i’m pushing through face, I’m pushing through FACE DOWN.”
~Celldweller, EON

And yes, i am still scared shitless. My mind wanders into the realm of what if’s and shit happens, and i think about it too long and i freak out. I mean, i guess admitting that you are afraid is one thing, but i mean, there’s jsut as much to be afraid of living where i am as compared to where i am going. I look out, and as always, i want to be optimistic, but then the realist in me kindly taps on my shoulder and reminds me that there are things that are hard, pink, and sandpapery. And they will try to fuck you.

But then, i get pictures or, as of lately, video messages, displaying the awesomeness and amazing cuteness of my daughter, and one cannot help but stop and smile. I stop and if you look hard enough, you’ll see that twinkle. She is awesome, and as so many tell me, downright adorable. And i bought her new shoes. Yep, on my last visit (Christmas) I noticed that Seraphina had some of the most uncomfortable looking shoes. And, for some strange reason, whilst i was parusing Kids Journey’s in my mall, i happened across one of the cutest things, and yes, i mean a pair of Pink Converse Chuck Taylors. There were other shoes, but these just seemed to stick out in my mind. Please, don’t inquire as to why. So, while visiting this past time (Two weeks ago) I took Seraphina and Raven to Journey’s in thier local mall and kindly informed them that we were shoe shopping for Little Miss Seraphina. Now, i am a fan of options and believe that my daughter is smart as hell. (She did figure out how to text me and call me on a blackberry, mind you, and is only 22 months old). So, while holding her, i held up two shoes. One was the afore mentioned Pink Chuck’s, and the other was a pair of White DC’s with Pink details. I asked her which ones she liked. She promptly grabbed the Chuck’s (Heart Leaped) and threw them to the floor. (: /) and grabbed onto the DC’s like they were already her’s. I kindly asked the woman “helping” me if she had them in Seraphin’as size (we measured) and moments latter, she had returned with the correct size range and a couple of variant options. Seraphina picked her shoes out, then we had to grab a bigger size. I didn’t like how tight the smaller size was. After sliding on her new kicks (Thank God for elactic shoe strings that i never have to tie) I set her down and away running she went. I kept a close watch, then walked about 5 feet infront of her. I got down on her level, held open my arms, and told her to come to daddy. With the largest smile i’ve ever seen crossed her face, she ran full force into my arms, where i promptly grabbed her, and softly threw her up into the air, giggling the whole way, and softly held her into my chest and side.

Yea, it’s a kick ass moment. Revel and enjoy. And now, my daughter has way better shoes than either myself or Raven do. (10 bucks more and I coulda bought shoes, how lameo is that) But i didn’t care. We left them on her feet, i paid, and returned Raven home. I took Seraphina to see my mom (pics on facebook) and it was a good day.

She started getting cranky, and Raven had called me to tell me it was time for her to come home (Raven’s mom was having a kaniption fit for no reason) and so, took home my little princess i did. She was great, despite being a touch cranky. I got her home, laid her down with Raven, then went to fix her a bottle of water and grab her dinner snack thingy. I came back, put the snacky thing on Raven’s bedside, then gave Seraphina the bottle.

Now, this is the kind of moment where i downright hate my current situation.

She threw the bottle aside and reached for me. How can your heart not break? she doesn’t want a bottle, she doesn’t want food, she doesn’t want her mother, She wants you to hold her and rock her to sleep. to hold her, to be her support and her love. of course, i grabbed her up and put her on my shoulder. I held her as close as i could and hugged her good and tight, (not to the point of suffocation, jessh) and i told her how much i love her and that she needs to be good for mommy. And that i have to go, but that i’ll see her tomorrow. (i wasn’t lying, i did see her the next day) But apparently asking her to be good for mommy was understood to mean “be a little hellion” cause that’s what raven says she was all night and all the next morning till, as promised, i arrived.

And it’s becuase of that right there that my optimism for doing this will always override my fear. Nothing, and i do mean nothing, short of global disaster is going to stop me from doing this. I see people i haven’t seen in forever, i talk to them, i tell them what’s going on, and they wish me the best of luck. And i really do feel that nothing in this world needs to happen more than this. This is what i’ve been building towards for years now.

Now, i myself am not going to get in specific details concerning Raven, but i will say this. She couldn’t stand me being an ass to her for more than 2 days. and she said it first ( and if you don’t know what i mean, then you don’t know me and Raven very well) So, who knows.

“Now I am torn, thought it was over this time, and we know, There’s still a fire inside, and we know, and we know, we’re gonna let it burn. Let it burn, till the image fades away.”
~ Disturbed, Torn

If i could pick the one song, that, as of late, can justly summerize everything, it would have to be “Better Version” by Shinedown. Now, i swear, i HATE song that seems so un-original that they insist upon singing the chours a HABAGILLION times and calling it a song, but this song, with it’s just south of screaming melodies and shift from soft guitars to swift, stripped rifts and heart pounding drums, all spaced out just right to allow the lyrics to bleed through, “How about a better version that makes me understand, how about a better version of the way that i am, the way i look, the way i speak, how about a better version of me?”

Also, on the music flip side of things, Linkin park has been doing this thing on thier website, asking thier fans to portray how LP has changed/influenced/altered/been incorporated into thier lives. Now, i myself lack video production tools and the time to actually do one of these (and seeing as how i’ve never seen LP in person, have no signed memo, I know every song and literally recite them at wil land whim, with or without music. I can sing the entire meteora album from begining to end without missing a single timing, pause, or beat)

But i would like to share with you the story that had me hooked.

Like so many people, i caught LP on thier first single, One Step Closer. The music video was a fitting blend of “Huh?” and “Whoa!” that made it so it was almost impossible for you to take your eyes off the screen. That song alone inspired me, and i knew in my heart that thier CD, Hybrid theory, had to be mine. Now, the CD is listed as released on October 24, 2000, so it must have been 2001 when i bought it. I was winter, prolly January. I had recently gone on a church trip. I had my spending money in hand, about 80 bucks, but apparently i had misplaced my wallet. Luckily, i found it, lodged in the seat on the bus on the way home. My mind immediately began racing, thinking what on earth could i do with this? I didn’t help that the snowboard shop was playing the LP video, so the song was throughly stuck in my head by this point.

So, i do believe it was tuesday, i came home from school. No homework, no chorse, for a change. So, on my way home from the bus stop, i bought some extra batteries for my CD player. I grabbed a couple of CD’s when i got home and then set out on the 2 hour walk that would take me to my local FYE. Bear in mind, i was 15, and life was about to take a very had and dramatic turn for me. So, i trudged along to the store. Navigated successfully, and there it was. In all of it’s amazing glory, the first Linkin Park CD. There weren’t many copies of it left, so i greedily snatched one up and finished looking around. I had bought another couple of CD’s, i remember, but couldn’t for the life of me tell you what they were, as i didn’t listen to anything else the rest of the way home. First, it was a couple of rounds with One Step Closer. Then i was One Step Closer and With You. Then by the time i had walked home, i had heard the whole CD. Since that moment, i have purchased each album on it’s release day, and it has been my strongest desire to see these guys in concert. My friends bug me about how obsesed i am with them, but, as stated above, i didn’t know just how much my life was preparing to change.

At first, the music was just awesome. Words, tones, and feelings that were right out of my realm of understanding, and that made them cool. But as life showed me in the months that followed, these edgy words and tones and situations were no more out of my reach of understanding than a mountain dew in the fridge. Life hit me full force, and has every year since then. And always, there’s a Linkin Park song that reaches deep into some part of me and pulls out the emotions that i am feeling. Chester’s vocals, either screaming or dropping swift melodies, and Mike’s ever constant tone as he spits words at you that leaving you emotionally wondering. Rob’s drums have evolved, Phoenix slaps a bass like no other, Brad’s guitar soflty weeps my songs, and Hahn twists it all into cohesion. All of them blend into such a sound that makes your feet sink into the ground while your head floats off into the sky. I have heard everyone i know call LP some genere or another. Hell, Mike Shindoa on his own blog admits that there is no single definite genere that he feels the band fits into. And that thier work on thier new album resembles that very much. For me, it spans every range and spectrum you can imagine. It might not sing it or make it for some people, but for me, they fucking rock. No question there. Until i meet them, i’ll sing the songs at the top of my lungs as i drive my Jetta 80 miles an hour down the highway. I’ll throw them on every itunes playlist, turn up the volume as high as it’ll go, and immerse myself into the world where thier music and my life morph into a movie. I live it and they provide my sound track. I’ll bob my head, air guitar my heart out, and will always love these guys and all that they do.

Linkin Park is a huge part of my life. and for that, i could never thank you enough.

As for everything else i’ve talked about, now you know. Enjoy. and hopefully soon, i’ll see you, across this new divide.

to whom it may concern:

Yes, i am still alive. sorry for lack of updates, been a little busy packing, preparing to move, and getting sick : /

hopefully back to reular updates in about a month or so.

thanks for chekcing in on me.

~r3d

Excuse the mess, I didn’t see you from behind
I caught a glimpse, but the reflection’s only mine
It’s almost like I’m paralyzed and locked outside myself
What I don’t need is to concede because I won’t be someone else
I am not perfect and I don’t claim to be
And if that’s what you wanted
Well then I’m so sorry

How about a better version of, the way that I am
How about a better version that, makes me understand
How about a better version of, the way that I am
The way I look, The way I speak,
How about a better version of me

Excuse the wall, I put it up from time to time
A silver shade, and the design is all mine
It’s just a maze that everyday I seem to be stuck in
It never seems to fade away but I pray for the day it ends
I am not perfect and I don’t claim to be
And if that’s what you wanted
Well then I’m so sorry

How about a better version of, the way that I am
How about a better version that, makes me understand
How about a better version of, the way that I am
The way I look, The way I speak,
How about a better version of me

Show me my vital signs until I’m realigned
Show me my vital signs until I’m realigned
Show me my vital signs until I’m realigned
Show me my vital signs until I’m realigned
How about a better version of me?
How about a better version of me?
How about a better version of me?
How about a better version?
How about a better version of, the way that I am
How about a better version that, makes me understand
How about a better version of, the way that I am
The way I look, The way I speak,
How about a better version of me
How about a better version of, the way that I am
How about a better version that, makes me understand
How about a better version of, the way that I am
The way I look, The way I speak,
How about a better version…..

This is what prompted this blog.

“I have a friend who i have known for 10 years and he keeps asking for me back. I keep telling him no. That there are no feelings for him at all. We have a child together and that makes thing a lot harder for me because I have to see and or talk to him more than I want. I have told him countless times that I don’t want be his girlfriend but he doesn’t listen to me. He doesn’t respect me enough to accept that there’s nothing there for me when it comes to us. It’s starting to make me mad, it’s creeping me out and I’m starting to think he’s obssessive. I have also asked him to leave it alone and not to ask me out anymore. BUt he DOESN’T LISTEN.

But considering we have a child together I can’t ask him to leave me alone forever.

What would you do if you were me?

I am very angry at him and his inability to accept that I don’t want to be his girlfriend ever again.

Please help.”

Taken directly from Raven’s Bulletin from myspace.

the following is my reply, also in the form of a myspace bulletin:

where to start?

how does one begin to put into words the feelings that we have? like the ones we get when the ones we love feel that they’ve gotta go and spell out one small item like it’s bad horror movie?

i can be persistent. i’ll go so far as to admit to narrow minded in some instances. But there is one thing, above all others, i would like to point out.

i am first going to list the truths of my feelings. there is no specific order to these, it’s just as they are coming into my mind, as i am writing this.

1. I love Seraphina.
2. I love driving my car
3. I love Raven
4. i love getting sleep
5. i love tinkering with computers

Now, that seems pretty straight forward. and as i stated, that list is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER. well, anythign after the first i should say. Those are all truths. Thier level of love varies. were i to list them in order of intensity, here is would be

1. Seraphina
2. Raven
3. Driving
4. Tinkering with computers
5. getting sleep.

now, that is listed based off of intensity. Now, here is how i break it down into how i feel about them, beyond that of loving them.

1. Seraphina – My little girl. She is the most amazing child, and will capture your heart once you meet her. Almost 2, she is so brilliant. any story i am told about her make my heart swell and sometiems makes me cry cause i am not there to see these things that i hear about. Always the highlight of my Day, Seraphina’s Picture is the constant background on my iPhone, and i show the video Raven sent me constantly to anyone who’ll spare me a minute. I love my daughter. And i would never do anything to spoil our family unit, if we can even call it that.

2. Raven – The girl i’ve loved as long as i can remember, recently Raven feels i have been obsessing about us getting back together. It’s actually been quite the opposite. I’d liek to because i love her, but her constnat detest against the idea has left me baffled, and subsquintly irritated at her blatant disregarde for my personal feelings as she posted my “obsessive nature” in a bulletin in which people tell her i’m a stalker (or, at least one person asked) and a few others suggested restraining orders, which Raven herself has told me she’s contemplated.

Now, i’ve gone through all of this to simply lay out MY side of the story, since none of her people will ever hear it. If i were obsessive, i’d be calling, hounding, and attempting to talk about it constantly. It only keeps coming up recently because of dumbass crap like this bulletin i am writing right now. It serves no purpose other than to show that she is being obsessive about the situation, since i only brought it up twice in two months. and i’m the obsessive one? and hello? i live in North Carolina, almost to South Carolina. She Lives in VA. how on EARTH does anyone expect me to stalk her? srsly guys, come on. and thusly, i didn’t say a word about getting back together for 2 years previously. now, if i wanted to get with her, as she says i did, then why on earth did not mention it for 2 years? maybe it’s becuase i knew she didn’t want me.

or maybe, the turth of it is, i didn’t mention it for 2 years, because i had, in fact, moved on. And i did move on. and i’m still moving on. but, oh no. God forbid that’s the actual reason. It’s Richard, and he’s been obsessing over me forever, he could never move on.

well, peeps, think what you like. Just like Raven’s Bulletin, this one will be left up for whatever crazy comments you people feel like posting. Either way, we’ve already talked about this, and i told her i did not like nor appreciate what she did. It just goes to show how much in the past some people still live, and how she paints this ugly portrait of me every chance she gets, but she wants to be friends. and i don’t know what i wanna do yet, so you guys tell me.

what should i do about the situaton?

bear in mind, i am entitled to take your advice and never use it. you have been forewarned.

it’s late. the fall of night creeps like a dark plauge, devouring all that it sees.

i’ve slept so long without you. wanting. waiting. alone without a care. hoping, and hating, things that i can’t bear. my actions speak louder than words do. don’t waste your breath on me. you’re ok with everything except for this. taking a moment to remember why, never felt so alive. everything coming at me, last defense falls away. I’m here,  all chained up, your mind has always been made up. leave me here to wonder, as I am torn, left asunder. I understand, it hurts, but I really wanna know how it feels. the flesh peeld off your heart, as you watch it break and crumble. life the thoughts out of my brain, like soft silver wisps of nothing, left to fail against the anticipation of nothingness and decay. Yes, i delve deeper and take it farther than it needs to. I’d rather take it over board and know it’s a loss cause then grasp at loosed, lost, lamentable wisps of life lost dreams. all but a loving man you made me. forged in the deepest pits of rejections, tossed aside for a new project. something more attention grabbing, something so riveting that keeps you pinned to your seat in the action packed movie of the summer. stopping only to look at me for a moment and realize you had it right the first time, and that the reason you try so hard is because you don’t believe that success was imminent. or that your first creation need time to be nurtured, cared for, kept locked away, deep inside that placei n your heart so few go. I’ll dig deeper, just to bleed it out. speak to me in foreign tongues, and lash out at me with a foreign weapon, as you take this all to foreign stance and battle with all of your might. with each battle i’m choosing, with every fight i’m loosing. I was broken after you tore me down. and you only make it worse. i have to pretend i am heartless, somehow more broken. as if it could get any smaller. hope had to die, to teach me some of life’s great lessons. because when all i have left are the tattered, torn, and beaten pieces of the fabric remanents of life, all i can do is believe. i know my enemy is not far behind, holding them across the line. it’s your time. when it comes right down to it, it’s not about the war. it’s about the moment. you take your saber and slash out upon my torn flesh, rending it and flailing it out. i’ll bleed it out, go ahead, dig deeper, make it hurt. take the time to steal my breath, because for me, i’ll end where i began. cause i can feel it crawl beneath my skin.

because i love you. and sometimes, love hurts. but sometimes, it’s the good hurt and it reminds me that i am alive. that we live, love, and die. and you know that. you’ve always known. and that phrase, those words, i hope you die with them on your lips. somethings gone terribly wrong. my heart is racing faster. save us from ourselves. we tried so hard, but lost control. You cannot greeet everything with open arms, open hands, open hearts. So, my beautiful dream has become a never ending nightmare. A stranger haunts me in my sleep, and i am terrified. i reach out for who is not there, screaming your name in my head, and i can’t get past her. we fight out of respect. this is a disaster. i’m breathing, but i can’t feel a thing. i need a cure for this disease, and i know that holding back WON’T CHANGE A THING. you gripped the sword tighter and rammed it through my chest. and i hope you die with it on your lips. say it in my ear. let it be your last words to me. that in all, it was becuase you loved me. because no matter how hard you tried to fight it, you too could never get rid of it, like you ask me to do half the time. it began with a dark glowing ember, burning it’s way out of me. searing the torn flesh. pain all i know, scars all i see. Fire burns through my insides, and i’m left alone and desiring tonight. i cannot keep telling myself what i want to hear. and closing my eyes and saying your name make the fire burn brighter, harder, and more violently. it shakes me to the bone. i know it’s over, but i got no where else to go. leave me eating my heart on the floor, and i’ll crawl back, begging for more. i love you, and wanted you more than anything. all that i say, i don’t want to believe. calling out. the darkest reaches of my soul are left alone. a tomb, with my face flat upon the floor. it’s only as dark as i make it. and i can’t see. all i know is that i am pushing through. and i’m sorry, that your perfect world has been upset. but for us, this is the best it’s gonna get. this is the best it’s gonna get.

so string me up from atop these roofs. knot them ropes tight, make sure i don’t get loose. are you hoping for something? waiting for some sign? time to jump in or simply get the hell out. i really wish you’d make up your mind. THATS ENOUGH. this is the best it’s gonna get. come on, get up, shake it off. what? wait, you still won’t listen to me? i’m sorry, am i too loud, i woke you from your poor dreaming? so inconvieniently. It sucks that it was all for nothing. it’s a shame that you had to stand for something, and now it’s too late to make up your mind. we’ll fight till it’s over. you’re life’s been over rated, hopelessly complicated. keep it all to yourself. it’s a shame how long you’ve waited, hopelessly constipated. and no matter what, this is the best it’s gonna get. i’ll stand by, burn the pages as your life winds down, snap back to reality. i don’t want to change the world, i just wanna leave it colder.

so save your breath. this war is far from over. leave the lost and dead behind. it’s coming down to this one subject we can’t seem to agree on. and so, i won’t give in. i will not bow, i will not break. i will not fall, i will not fade. i will steal the breath from your lungs as you fall. watch the dark take over and show me where forever dies.

all is lost again.

and i’ve murdered hope before.

i’ve banished saints.

i’ve looked death in the face, and willingly accepted him.

and i came back. lost, but back.

your swords may stab me.

your chains may hold me down

but nothing hurts

like

your mouth.

Ah, here we are again. A thousand miles away from you. And all i want is just to see you. pull you in close so no one can hear what it is i want to tell you. I hear it everytime you say it. It’s the same thing that wraps you up tighter and tighter when you feel like i’m attacking you. When i’ve come undone. You attack me and lash out, for reasons i don’t know. We are grown. You started getting upset. you wanted to lash out. you wanted to strike. but how could you? for as nice as you are, you do not tolerate me. because you do love me.

I know what it is you say. you push me away. but i am as stubbourn and persistant as ever. you don’t know what it’s like to bring yourself to the precise point of knowing that you have to go to bed every night alone. And sleep. and rest. and get up in the morning and be okay. For every day is not a yearning, but an acceptance. I had to learn to accept life as it is.

Then i had to go further. take the pain and slowly bleed it out. pour life into relationships i tried so hard to make work. those women have sheerly no idea what it meant each and everytime i told them i loved them. like a strange purgatory i put myself through. To show someone that there is better than what they got. But for all that i did, i was only reminded of what i had done and lost. Maybe i’m a target for people who are bitter, being a nice guy. Trying to prove something to someone who doesn’t care. I gave you the moon on a silver platter and you just shrugged and asked me why?

No matter how hard i could try, i’m still lost inside a lonely world. No one can hear me when i cry, and i’ll never know the reasons why inside this lonely world. this place i have thrown myself to.

And my sttempts to escape are not meant as a means to go back. I never wanted to go back and act like things never happened. I have ruined her forever. Just as she has ruined me. And i love my daughter, but this has nothing to do with why i wanna learn to love again. you go through so much crap, and wage this all out War with everyone and everything. because you only want the one thing that should be the simplest and easiest to obtain in the entire world. My old friends, never gone fully from my mind, are not thought of as often. My family, already flung to the farthest reaches of each other, slowly melt away to the fringes of my being. When i strip away every one and everything i do not need, only two remain. They are what i need. Not what i made myself to need, but because the thought of losing either one would kill me. I know that. It is true. And she asks me to strip her out of that Category. Like it’s a post it note with scrawled writing on it. Removing her from being something i need to survive is like asking me to give up a lung or my heart.

there are so many things that i would like to say to you.

but i just don’t know how.

When i think of moving and relocating, it terrifies me. I know i have mentioned this before. But the idea of everything going wrong, while it is scary, i am ready to face. you don’t know what kind of stress this is. Leaving behind a dying Father. returning to a place i abhor. All because of what i know i need. I am steeled and prepared. And i am making every possible effort i can to make the process go as smoothly as i can.

Chris Rock says that some people like being rewarded for stuff that they’re suppose to do.

I don’t any rewards.

i ask for nothing

I just want you to understand what kind of craziness and stress this is. Understand this is something i have never done. Being on my own. It scares the crap out of me. But i’m willing to go through all of it for my little one. I don’t know what kind of message that’s supposed to send out. but 2 years ago, i don’t know why Raven wasn’t enough. i don’t know where i am going with this other than that she really was and i was to scared and afraid. Thinking i knew it all and was in control. Now, while i do have a grasp on things, alot’s not even close to my control, and so much is left simply unknown. And i trust only my want and desire to do it to carry me through. That so much good will come out of it.

That maybe, someone will see me for who i am, instead of what i was and was trying to be.

and that maybe, she can love me, like i know she can.

and stop thinking that i am talking about it like there is something there that’s not. Or that i’m trying to go back, or make things like they were. And you can’t say you never felt anything, you have felt something at least once, i know. And for you, i’d fight till i couldn’t anymore. But, after loving you, Raven, i could never be the same. Your voice is the only one my heart will recognize, but i can’t hear it right now. and how could i pretend like we never felt it, like it was some dream in a place so far away? I know i could never forget the way i felt when you’re with me, and the feelings i get with you next to me. I could never walk away. You left this emptiness inside and i can never turn back time. Nothing compares to you and how you’ve made me feel. And it takes the death of hope to realize life will goes on without you, twisted inside, 6 miles high, i’d have to rehearse how to say goodbye to you.

i’m not asking for a restart

i’m asking for a start.

and thus begins, the war.

Good evening, peeps.

I actually was going to lay down and something was nagging me. I had forgotten to write this blog i’ve been planning out for a couple of days now. So, i’m going to just jump straight into it.

Coming up here in March, i’ll have been posting and maintaining this site for a year. (wow, a year, really?) and have 75 posts, over 200 comments, and about a few hundred unique visits a week. Granted, i don’t count SPAM in much except the hits, cause it;s just how they’re counted, but that’s jsut better than anything i’ve ever imagined. And it’s been going up more recently since i started writing over at www.hordereview.com. I guess some of those guys are slowly finding thier way over here and reading my real life stuff and not just my musings over World of Warcraft.

I bring up interesting points throughout my blog. Taking a stance to something no one will defend, stand up to, stand up for, or give a damn about in general. But there have been a whole lot of going-ons with everyone else as of late (any myself) that i’ve lost a little sight. And old friend of mine (old as in used to be, not we’ve been friends forever or something lame along those lines) decided to go and shove his foot in his mouth. We’d still be friends if this guy simply wasn’t the way he is. He can be cool to hang out with, pretty funny when drunk, and all in all has some good points. But, those few good thigns are quickly overshadowed when he goes and does logic. He really shouldn’t be allowed to think sometimes. Going on and on and on on his facebook about how people should accept thier faults, and how life’s not a one way street, and how supposidly he and no one else put out effort in his home situation. Now, that alone is way more than i feel totally comfortable talking about, but in defense of his family, they do not blame him for anything, nor hold a thing against him. It’s got nothing to do with what he has or has not done. It’s got to do with how he puts others down and critizes them (as if he really has room to talk, he sleeps all day long for his night job) So he misses alot. He doesn’t see how the family progresses and moves along without him during the day. And while his contributions are noted and collected with everyone else, he feels like everyone’s contribution should be the same as his (meaning cleaning the house just isn’t enough, they should be working and pouring in money) and i don’t see where it’s all worth two cents. It makes no sense, the argument he tries to collect and dole out like ice cream on a sunny day. Like here it is, deal with it.

And i am a father. I can speak with much personal experience. If you love spending time with your child, or at all enjoy spending time with your children, then i’d expect to see pics of them everywhere. I myself have pics of Seraphina everywhere i possibly can. She has her own page full of pics here, and i keep an album for her on Facebook, which does have pics of use together or else i’m daddy taking the pics. So, if you wanna talk about what makes a good father, then i suggest you not lecture anyone when you yourself have done nothing constructive for your child EVER, aside from being a sperm donor. Letting a 3-4 year old play guitar hero is the dumbest thing i’ve personally ever heard. And he’s as dumb as a door nail and listenes to hardly no one unless they threaten to beat him. I admit, i only get to see Seraphina so often, but damnit man. At least the world can look me up and know i have a child.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest. people with that level of stupidity and ignorance just annoy me.

onward.

I had a rather pleasant surprise last night at work.

So here i am, sitting against the counter where pizza’s are made. I’ve been told it’s been a painstakingly slow day, and it shows in the food court and the lack of customers we’ve had in the hour since i had arrived. I honestly figured nothing could be too entertaining or worthwhile of mentioning. Boy, was i wrong. I’m just leaning, kind of looking out into the food court. I like to watch people interact with one another. And a black couple caught my eye, a few tables into the food court. Normally, when i feel like people are starring at me or talking about me, it tends to freak me out. Yet, for some reason, i wasn’t worried. I was strangely intrigued by this, and let it play out. About the time i full on caught the eye of the woman, she sprang up and walked up to the counter. I quickly realized it as fast as she went to ask me my name.

“Jamylla?” i asked as she said “Richard!?!?” to me. and sure enough, here she was. A friend i had made in college, Jamylla (pronounced Jah-mill-ah for those having difficulties) shared an intro to communications with me. We talked for easily an hour. I showed her pictures of Seraphina right off the bat, and she almost cried discovering i was a Father and that it was with Raven. (bear in mind this was the very first thing i did) and we talked for easily an hour. Or at least it seems like an hour. Alot had happened to her too. She introduced her boyfriend, which was a slight shock to me as last i had heard she was strictly a lesbian >.> go figure right? but none of what we said mattered more than the sheer fact that here we were, 2 years later, being able to talk to each other, and laugh and be excited to see each other after so long. We had both changed cell phone carriers about the same time, and i lost her number somewhere. But it’s great to know when you have a good friend whom you can talk about anything with. i feel bad, because i haven’t called her yet, but i have off tomorrow and am heading into town, so i’m goign to make it a point to get up with her.

I guess what i am trying to say here is that there are some people in this world we can live without, and some we can’t live without. Jamylla is a good friend, and she knows a healthy amount about me. Maybe not as much as my darling, Raven, but enough to know me. we got along, two peas in a pod, in such a way that people knew we talked about anything and everything. and i always know a good conversation will ensue. Jam is one of my good people, the ones you’d do anything for and would do anything for you. And i’ll admit, i have missed her.

And that brings me to my title, The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret. We tell everyone so much about ourselves that we hardly keep much to ourselves anymore. Facebook and dating sites, asking you to share your deepest darkest self. Where did all of the secret’s go? things you’ve done that make you look like a different person? I mean, sure, there’s a fine lien between being honest and being reserved. But you don’t need to tell everyone everything about you in the first 20 minutes of meeting them. Or by reading about you on some website. The best (and some say greatest) people in this world are the ones you hardly know, or that you know just well enough. I know i am not the same person i was two years ago, 4 years ago, 7 years ago. We as people are constantly changing. Learning to like new things, love older things, discard bad feelings and emotions, growing to become either a better or worse person, due to the situations we experience. Where’s our mystery? what’s the point of you knowing exaclty what i’ll do? what happens if you guess wrong? or get too close? So i say, keep part of you, for you. Keep something hidden, in the dark, under the rug, in your closet. They don’t have to be bad, or life changing or altering. you are still whomever you were before. These things simply add dimensions to your character.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

Well, here we are, 2010. A new year. a fresh set of chances to give life another go. I know i have had an odd sense of faith as of late. It’s rightly justified. Faith in people, faith in my own abilities, faith that no matter how hard i might end up smacking myself in the face, there are people, friends and family, who will do all that they can for me.

With the introduction of the new year, i am doing my best to look forward with optimisim. I have been working at Sbarro’s for a while now, and i had originally applied for an Assitant Manager’s Posistion. On my third day of work, i met with Steve. and even though Steve was a really nice guy, he kinda liked to ramble on. Well, i’m sure the tired look on my face did not help me out very much, but he did drop a giant bug in my ear. See, Steve was the District Operator for Maryland, North Carloina, and, yep, you prolly guessed it, Virginia. through the Trudgrey of his rambling, this ramned out of his speech the hardest. A way back, a good job, something that actually pays, and maybe, maybe if i could pull this off, just maybe…….

And sure enough, i worked hard. Steve is no longer with Sbarro’s (i don’t know why, none of my buisness really) And my manager, B, talked to the new DO. I will be promoted upon completetion of my Manager’s Training. Also, B said i wanted a store in Virginia, so staying here was removed from the equation as an Assistant Manager. I have yet to find out further details, but it seems as if everything i’ve been working towards is quickly coming into my sights. I’m going to move back to VA, be close to Raven and Seraphina, and maybe, finally i’ll know what it is i’ve been missing for so long. Maybe i’ll get my chance to be happy.

And here it is.

Throughout the holidays, My dad took ill. He’s a stubborn old Mule, but God, i love him so. I’ve told him several times lately that i see so much of my Grandfather (whom we lovingly call Grandpoppy) in him. and after whatyou read here, you might understand why i wish i had just kept my mouth shut. So dad’s not feellings good. kinda out of it, really, even by his own standards. So, after giving him much hell and grief, he finally goes to the doctors. He comes back with double Pnuemonia and additional medications and doctor’s appointments. I figure, ok, standard routine. run tests, pull him back to double check, run any odd ones again to be sure, then let him know what’s up.

ok, look, i really hate telling the story. there’s no easy way for me, or anyone to say this. My dad had one, if not two very light heart attacks over the holidays and has been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. Which, in a nut shell, means he’s dying. granted it’s very slow, and with the right medication can be controlled for another several years, still. It’s like saying here you go, hope for the best, but at least you got time to prepare for the worst.

So here i am. On the brink of finally having the chance i’ve been begging for since the day she left me. and i basically had a nuclear bomb dropped in my back yard. so what am i to do? well, this sounds down right selfish, but we did talk about it, and i am going back to Virginia. I got the standard “i don’t think you’re making a good decision.” routine. Well, to be honest, it is a good decision. it’s not only the hardest one i’ve ever had to make, commit to, and put the most effort into, but now, with this, it makes me have to balance out twice as much stuff, find homes for two cats and two dogs, not to mention dealing with how to keep dad safe while im in another state, and all in all, it’s really hard. I texted some people, tried talking to some others. you really have no idea how it’s been and this is only saturday night, the day after i found out. I myself am stil lgetting over a sinus infection, more hours with my manager’s training, writting my columns over at Hordereview, and thinking constantly about holding my daughter and kissing her mother.

I feel that giving dad some space without me will allow him to gather scope and have a break from crap that he deals with over me. Granted, i’m pretty sure a big part of him LIKES dealing with me and my crap, but it’s my choice to excuse myself and give him the chance to wind down a bit, catch his breath, and enjoy life a bit. I see this as more of a reward for a well lived life as opposed as me being all about me. I mean, he jsut spent over a grand on my car, forsaking other bills and expenses. he spends, i know, about 400-500 dollars a month on house bills that would be virtually none existent were i not here. i admit, i’m an expensive pain. but I guess he feels like he’s making up for the years he left me to my mother’s care. I don’t know. I am his son and he loves having me around. i get it. But as i always say, things happen for a reason. I worked and i worked hard, and i’m getting to do something i haven’t thought about so hard in over 6 years. I will never learn how to take care of my family by sitting here and tending to my father. He won’t admit it, and i know he won’t cause he is my father and i am his son, but he knew this day would come. and i wish it wasn’t like this. I really honestly think this is a test. in my faith, i had asked God to allow me to be able to move back to Virginia. and so, to see how willing i am to take what i have been giving, it’s like i have to give up something else. I mean this is BIG, EPIC, no drama crap here REAL shit i have to deal with. Life altering, even. This is one of those deicsion that i know in my mind and deep in my heart will shape my life. At the end of the day, all i can hope for is that he understands and that he knows i love him and he loves me, and i have to do what i have to.

and right now, my actions speak louder than any word ever could.

“He was fragile and frozen
when the bullet took away his friend
but now he’s somehow
More broken
He’s pulling his weapon to his side
Loading it full of his Goodbyes
Holding an ememy Across the Line”

Today, after much pestering from the ever persistent Snook, i finally broke down and offically submitted some articles i had written on the Topics of Wrold of Warcraft and Computer technical info relating to WoW performance on a computer. Bless, one of the editor’s at Hordereview.com contacted me back as soon as he had finished looking over my two articles. please, i don’t like tooting my own horn, but i shall post a small bit of his email reply.

“Hello Richard,

Thanks for submitting to the site, and I want to congratulate you on
actually following the procedure.  I am very impressed by your articles and
took the time to read completely through them.  I think I would love to
bring you on board with Horde Review. I need all the help I can get from
great talent like yourself. As you have probably noticed my complete
English fail on the ad for writers, I am no master of proofreading or the
English language, but I see that you were very well written taking lots of
time to ensure the accuracy of your work.”

The email continues on, kindly explaining to me how both Class roles i could have applied for are filled. Mage and Death knight for anyone whom might have been wondering. But, Bless also mentions that my ability to tackle several different subjects would make me better suited for a General column, while maybe not on a weekly basis (as it might be for a while, sincei h ave so much to talk about) i can take my leisure, and so long as it is Generally related to WoW and not specifically about my classes mechanics, i can pretty much write or comment on anything going on in WoW. Currently, the posistions on the website for writers are strictly volunteer (which means i’m not getting paid for the articles that i write) Which i knew that applying for the posistion in the first place. it’ll be a great way to get my name out there. It’ll also help me reach more people in a medium outside that of my guild forums and my personal page here.

Granted, i’ve always said i’d talk about anything here, i tend to like to keep my preferred subjects seperated, and this will be a great way to do that. I have not discussed with Bless my first assignment, but i am hoping it’s something i have a fair amount of say in, which i am sure i will. The website team consists of two editors and a few writers, but they’re still taking applications. I’d post mine, but i don’t want to give away my prized secrets. Just follow the instructions as Bless outlines them and submit some of your works, at least two, to his post on the hordereview.com website.

I love to write in my spare time. I find it a great way to channel thoughts and emotions into a constructive, useful medium. Nazi Zombies in Call of Duty:World at War helps too. Just saying. I mean come on, slaying massive amounts of NAZI ZOMBIES!

ok, back to the topic. So, since i have three days off this week, i forsee my first article, (or two) should be posted this week sometime on hordereview.com.

gah, i am excited.

In other news.

I find out Tuesday. Fate meets to decide just that for me. I don’t wanna build myself up and hope and pray for things that won’t come, but i have faith that things will work out for me. that something will happen, and allow me to go back to VA how i’d like to. My mom said it’d be nice to have me around again. My brother i’m sure would like the idea of me being closer by. and Raven. i can only hope what she has said and expressed will be put to the proper test when i call her to tell her if i am or aren’t moving back to VA. Go figure, i’m off Tuesday, and Wed. maybe instead of writing too much i’ll spend my time packing………

One can hope.

wish me luck.

ok, so.

there are several topics i am willing to talk about. things that annoy myself or my friends. topics of which we can poke fun at and make musings out of. lame jokes that cannot possible extend beyond our own click of people cause we’re the only ones who get it. not that others might not, just as a whole, other people wouldn’t get it.

but believe it or not, there is actually a few subjects i tip toe around.

I never wanted anyone to feel like i had abandoned them. i know, in my heart, that some feel this way. like i choose to leave them out in the cold. that’s not the way of it. sometimes, i really honestly cannot help them. how can you help someone who refuses to help themself? and no, i don’t mean anyone in particualr, if any at all. My heart, my mind, my life, are, as they always have been, an open book for you to read. I apologize that it takes a specific question to obtain a specific answer, but it’s the truth. it’s how i have always been.

and maybe, instead of me abandoning them, perhaps they abandoned me. left me out, to my own devices.

perhaps we may never know.

but in my heart, i love you all. i wouldn’t dare assume hurt you as hurt myself. i have made my resolve. i know i crossed that line, and i’m born to indecision. but i swear, i made every choice with the best information i could, and take the best path i could. i never admit that i was always right, but i know in my heart i was never wrong.

going back to Virginia.

this is a subject that no one every brings up. why, i kinda really don’t know. i guess because of the cold sense they get from me just thinking about it. a life i left behind, trailing in the dust. like a wanderer, i nailed my heart to her door and left. dusk in the wind, gone. the journey i have been on, i feel now shows me that what i have undertaken was not to take me away from her, but to temper me in the hard fire of life. to learn lessons i most likely would not have, given the circumstances. being kept under my mother’s form of martial law. My father, promising a better time about life, and with what i thought was bad time with the woman i knew even then i loved, what else could i do?

Then i moved to Cary. and met some of the most extraordinary people. they might not think so, but i know so. brothers and sisters that deep down, hide well what little love they harbor for me.

Cory, the ever cautious in school. working hard. never taking a minute to enjoy some of the simplier things he had. I watched him grow and become one of the most interesting brothers a man could ever ask for. i’d be proud to stand beside him in anything he ever decides to undertake.

Evan, the charmming, sweet lad i grew strongly fond of. Always one to chat up ladies, no wonder this man is loved by anyone whom he encounters. a stead fast friend, even now. a staunch defender, and a man with emotions stronger and deeper than any ever encountered. my brother to lean on for strength, and to return him in kind.

Jon. the most like myself, always trying to find a way out. it’s not his fault, but there comes a point where we become accountable, brother. throwing off the mantle others had thrust upon him, he sees with the best spot in mind, knowing he deserves better, humbling accepting that which he is given. we may not always see eye to eye, but regardless of how bad it gets, we grow closer together, not further apart.

Justin, the Jman. always a neutral oddity, your youthful vigor maintains even to this day. Your strength comes from your inability to change, and in your case, that is never a bad thing. your consistency is what most people need in thier lives. Your inability to harm anyone is of the utmost importnace in your life. and in someone else’s, i’m sure.

Gary, my little brother. you sir, took to me within five minutes, and it’ll take a lifetime, and eventual death to seperate our bond. even then, i think you’ll still be stealthed behind me in the afterlife, assuming there is one and you can be a rogue.

Parker, perhaps the oddest of my brothers, your intelligence stems from a yearning you yourself cannot describe. but it’s the simplest to see. Life is a journey you wish to undertake and complete as much as you yearn for 100 percent in Metal gear. it’s either the whole life’s experience, or nothing at all. your opinion, no matter how staunch, somehow always seem to mirror my own.

Randy, the newest member to the Dad team, you saw something in me, like i see in you now, a kindred spirit. always able to get along, and to get others to do the same, we made it through with our heads. and i know we didn’t get to spend much time, i’d fly to Texas if i had the money and the chance. just to clap you on the back and give you the few truths i can. the rest, you’ll figure out on your own. it’s not rocket science, honestly.

Joyce, dearest, sweetest Joyce. I meantion you first, becuase out of all my sisters, you touch closest to my heart. Your earthly feel and slight tendency to make sense of females for me warrant you a spot for which no one can fill.

Anne, loving Anne. your simpleness in loving your friends, also makes you a staunch and great friend. if it weren’t for your pics, i’d still imagine you a beautiful, well to do blonde catholic school girl. but regardeless, you’re one of the few to have seen me in my darkest hours. defeated and retreated to the darkest corner’s of my mind. you still left the light on to show me a way back, which i always managed to find and to take.

Andrea, you are by far the most intriuging of the sisters. Similar to your brother, your consistency is much needed for those whom seek it. Your ability to protect your friends, while noble, may sometimes be misplaced. other times, it’s the right jolt to say hey, maybe we need to figure this out. no matter how much of a pain that it is, never, ever loose it. you out of all i watched grow the most.

Samantha, my backup asian. Sweet as can be, cutier than leia in a slave outfit, and down right snuggleable panda burr, even in my own town it’s hard to get up with you, just to say hey. you and joyce could always manage to get me to laugh, even though you hardly knew the pain and stress i had constantly. your smile and hippe chick self always made me feel better.

You people, my family, my friends, do not know what love i have for you, and how i wish i could hang out, see you, hear from you all the time. but i choose my path. and i am sorry it doesn’t bring my to you, or let us get along half as much as we might like.

i make this decision now, not becuase i have to, but because i want to. i swore i’d never go back to Virginia. and i think all my life since i left has been to prepare me to go back, the one thing i said i would never do. No matter what anyone does, what anyone says, i always love you all, and i make my decisions as much for myself as i do the two most important people in my life’s history. I love them very very much, and very deeply. No greater feeling comes than from the first time you hold your child. this young life is just begining, and yours, well you don’t know where on Earth it’s going. you think you do, you hope you do, but any plans you had are going to change. you are going to change. not because you have to, but because you want to. My decisions, while they might seem very selfish, are quite the opposite. for my hatred of the state i left, only thing possible to rival it is the love i feel for Raven and Seraphina.

My Seraphina, my love, my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, making through the day at work, and giving me a reason to smile when i feel alone. She’s the most adorable child and beautiful person i have ever laid eyes on. A perfectly beautiful blend of Raven and myself, Seraphina, of which i have no doubts, will be brilliant, bright, loving, caring, and the most amazing woman i may very well may ever know.

Second only, to her mother.

Raven. my actions speak louder than words. I have said that a hundred times. but i have done everything i can to show you the difference. show you the Man you made out of me. Out of all that has happened between us. every terrible thing i said, all of the dumb crap i did, it was becuase i was scared. terrified and confused, wondering if this was what i really wanted. I’ve tried loving other women. I took your harsh lessons and forged them with me. a man, born of twisted hatred and confused materials. wrought upon a cold iron and dropped in the ice of a mountain. i’ve been beaten and driven back to the darkest and farthest places from your warmth. You, whom is quite loving and carring. you care about people you don’t even know. you love and don’t give much notion as to why, becuase you don’t need it. and none of this is bad. I love the way you answer any question i ask, even if you feel i have zero right to ask it. i adorethe cute wince you make as you jerk your head back, half a smile already on your face as you fake lying. and your laugh. i swear, even to this day, your laugh is the most boisterous, honest laugh i have EVER gotten anyone to produce. and how when you smile, and i know you’re smiling for me, it fills my heart with such feelings of joy, you simply don’t know. I am not an alone man becuase i am evil, an asshole, and no one loves me. i’m alone becuase i know what i want and it’s in Virginia. the place that, no matter how bad it gets, always feels like home. the love i feel from you, intesify’s the closer we are together. All of the times, you beat on my chest as i held you, you weren’t trying to tell me you hated me and failing at it, you were begging me to come home.

i’m sorry i never listened before.

but i promise, i am listening now. and i’ll be coming home soon as i can.